This is just my truth about how I think it is…
The feeling of just wanting to lie down, let go of everything and breathe out all the worries wants my attention. I want to breathe deeply, but something holds me back. Like it’s too crowded to breathe on the inside. I try to breathe again – asking for space, asking for more space, taking more space.
I find myself in some kind of no-man’s land where I am trying to find my way in being enough, for myself.
There are so many “capacities” to be inadequate and sufficient. Parenthood, friendship, partnership, etc., but what I think about most is my “selfhood”. There I have to come to terms with what is enough for me and for myself.
In the other cases, I have someone else to ask, someone who can answer my question. But if I have not landed in my “selfhood”, what should I do with the answers I get? Because the respondent answers based on his/her own interpretation of what is insufficient or sufficient. So I first need to find out what my limits are and then be able to face the answers to my question. The other person’s truth is not necessarily my truth.
So once I have found my balance, I might be braver in standing firm in all the other ‘creations’. No need to waste time thinking about whether others think I am inadequate or sufficient. I can respond to the answers if I need to ask the question. I can reassure myself that I am who I want to be and follow what I want to do. I give what I can and dare to receive with harmony.
I close my eyes, breathe in, and my mind takes me to a small beach by a lake surrounded by birch trees in a beautiful summer setting. There I am, standing at the edge of the beach, looking at a mirrored surface of water at the transition point between afternoon and evening. The last rays of the sun cast a soothing light on the small oak tree on the beach.
I exhale, gently put my thoughts into the boat, and with steady hands, gently push it out towards the middle of the lake. The water ripples as it silently glides along, then settles down and becomes mirror-like again. As if nothing had ever touched its surface. Breathe in and breathe out with me not being my thoughts. Over and over again. I create distance between me and my thoughts.
In my silent mind, I follow the breath and try to let every thought that comes to mind fit into the little oak tree and be pushed out. The more space I can provide between who I am and my thoughts – the more space to find the answers I need. No judgment, no demands, no stress. They will come, when I am present enough to receive.
So I breathe with the knowledge that everything is as it should be right now. And soon my oak tree will come back, with the answers I want to land on.
What my balance to be sufficient in my “selfhood” is.
/Rebecca
